An Honest Look at Burnout

A very smart friend of mine once said "Burnout is not from working too hard. Burnout is built when you work as hard as you can for a very long time and you don't get the results that you're looking for". And not just the first time, but consistently every time, over time, any time that you keep going. I don't think the answer to burnout is to stop grinding. I think the answer is to continue to fight for your goal by any means necessary, but also giving yourself time away from it. It's not giving up on the thing you're fighting for, it's allowing yourself to recuperate while keeping the goal in mind. Because quitting on something that you gave such high stakes could actually hurt more and do more damage in the long run.

Last spring I had an amazing opportunity to work at a company that I had really respected. When I got the offer, it felt like all my career problems were finally solved. I found a spot at a company that I could stay at, learn, and grow with. My mental trajectory at the time was to work there for a few years at least, get really good at the job and be able to have my choice of where to work down the road. Imagine the pain and heartbreak that happened when it almost immediately didn't work out.

For some more context, I had been grinding for a couple years while learning how to code and after a year of searching (and a ton of help from 100devs) ended up landing a mediocre consulting job that would give me some entry level experience. I stayed there because I knew that once I hit enough hours and learned enough about the work I could springboard to this next company (or a similar, more tech driven company). After about a year of nightmare consulting at this first job, I was ready for the real shit.

I felt like I deserved the opportunity at this next company. It was like the stars were finally aligning and all the blood, sweat and tears were finally going to get me where I wanted to be. But in a few short weeks it turned out not to be a great fit. My onboarding trainer was threatening to tell my manager that I wasn't going to make it after about 1 week. I was getting to know the rest of the team pretty well, but no matter what I did I had this person on my back taking tickets away, forcing me to sit through their lectures, and scolding me for taking notes. Several instances in particular, I was asked to read a line of code, scroll away from it, and recite the code and what it was doing from memory (on the spot, while this trainer was scolding and bullying me in front of other engineers invited to our meeting without my knowledge). All of the experience and knowledge I had was locked away behind this gate of anxiety because of this bully, on top of all the normal shit we go through when ramping up at a new job. When he finally had time for me, I sat down with my manager to discuss what I was going through and he accused me of lying after making me recite parts of the codebase. It was the final straw and I left the next day.

It's pretty understandable then that after this kind of experience, I was distraught and completely burned out on the tech industry. My confidence was destroyed. I could barely write a line of code without feeling like I wasn't worth it, that I wasn't good enough to even build on my own anymore. I was still living with my parents, had some money from savings, and was dealing with a family crisis at the same time. Life was not looking great and the burnout I felt was all encompassing. I had spent all of my time trying to get where I was, only to get shut out in the home stretch. So what did I do to get back on the throne?

I will say the first thing I did was get really angry and play alot of video games. I was broken down to the foundation and had no emotional reserves for dealing with this kind of situation. I receded from social media and even took some time away from the communities I had been a part of (shoutout Dev House). I tried to code, even opened up Leetcode, and just hit a wall. I couldn't do it. Every line of code was a battle, and the opponent was these voices in my head "not good enough, couldn't handle a job, not a smart enough person, etc.." (part of that is still in me, but I've relearned enough confidence not to listen to it anymore). My friends would talk about their coding endeavors, even talk about work stuff, and I felt like I wasn't allowed to be a part of that anymore. It was like I was behind those glass walls you see at the zoo, and I didn't have the strength to break through it. The thought of giving up felt like suicide, but at the same time I couldn't find the strength to even look my tech friends in the eye.

It got to a certain point where I really needed to look myself in the mirror and decide who I wanted to be going forward. Was I going to let this stop me? Was I going to allow this person's influence to exile me from the world of coding? I've never been the type to give up even when it's smart / healthy. I also wasn't the same person I was before the burnout hit. I needed to spend some time analyzing who I was and if continuing down the tech path was going to make me someone I wanted to be. This wasn't a singular, one time conversation and it took time. I needed to work it out on walks, through meditation, and sharing these feelings with my friends.

Talking to my friends about it honestly helped more than anything (once I was ready). It took me out of the spiral of not knowing / not trusting these feelings I was having. The only thing I didn't share and ask about was "should I leave tech". That was a question that I had to answer myself. And honestly being able to open the door back up to continuing work, and continuing my studies wasn't a skill I had again until I started talking to people about what I was going through. I couldn't handle forcing a new routine or grinding it out through leetcode/ building projects/ actively looking and applying for jobs. Manifesting a new situation felt like the wrong approach. The only way forward for me was facing that scary question and feeling the feelings that came with it without judging myself (always easier said than done). Eventually I decided that I still loved tech, I loved programming and building things, and messing around with friends online, talking shit and having fun while solving hard problems.

At a certain point, I felt ready to get back in to VSCode, and set a goal: to get back to programming in the flow and not let all these horrible thoughts and feelings get in the way. I gave myself the time I needed, budgeted what I had left of my savings, and committed to giving it a shot at least once a day (as much as I could). I started to do this. This was the first full line I was able to write again: <h2>Fuck shit</h2>

Eventually there was a day when I looked around my office and noticed all the books I had collected, but never read. All of these tomes full of knowledge that I hadn't even cracked yet. If I was going to give up, I'd never find out what was in there. I realized that I hadn't really learned Typescript yet (but wanted to take JS a bit further), and had Josh Goldberg's book Learning Typescript. I cracked it open and realized I was pretty curious about a code snippet, so I opened up VSCode and started playing with it before I could realize what I was doing and stop myself. It felt wonderful. I was so back.

By using Learning Typescript (honestly just learning something new and interesting to program with) I was able to cultivate that spark of curiosity and fan it into a flame by coming back to it every day (as much as my schedule would allow). It still took time, wasn't a single day cure all, but it brought my confidence and habits back. I could allow myself to talk about tech and hang out with my friends again. This energy kept building up until I was back to carrying a decent momentum of learning and working on codes. Before I knew it, I wasn't a burnt out slug anymore. The flow state was back, the confidence was back, and I was able to put myself out there again. By the end of the summer I had gotten my routine back, and even cranked out some freelance contracts. It took time, and hard work (like anything worth having), but I finally have my confidence back and the burnout is gone. At least until the next big stumble.

Burnout is something that everyone deals with, especially these days. I wish I could say that it's a one time thing. But as you probably know, it's a part of the cycle of life (especially the cycle of improving yourself and working hard to achieve a goal). There's alot of advice out there on how to deal with it, but I don't believe there's a single catch all solution to it. It's a personally important and terrifying battle that everyone has to face on their own. It's also going to affect everyone in different ways. It seems to target all the worst (or self perceived worst) parts of ourselves, especially when there's real world data that can conveniently reinforce those feelings. The most important thing to do to get past it is to talk about it with your friends and other people in the industry (at least people that have been supportive in the past) when you're ready. If you're reading this and can't think of someone that fits that description, please reach out to me at bumpsites@gmail.com and we can work it out together.